Living your life like you'e on vacation

Once, while sitting on the beach of Puerto Vallarta, Mexico, I found myself reflecting on life. I noticed that I am much better at making friends while I'm on vacation than at any other time. This puzzled me. There shouldn't be anything different about being on vacation to make it better for facilitating friendships. Sure I'm more relaxed, and I'm doing different activities than I'm likely to be doing back home (beaches are decidedly less pleasant in the Midwest in January than they are in Mexico) but these are only incidental to the differences in my behavior when I'm on vacation. I dug deeper.

I have a pretty type-A personality. I like it that way. When I'm at home I plan out the majority of my time to get the most out of every day. I live a life of diligence and structure. I seek interesting experiences with high quality components - good, high-quality food; genuine and enlightening people to spend my time with; and entertaining experiences to fill my time. I'm no different when I'm on vacation, but the characteristics that make me so effective at achieving those ideals when I'm at home are exhausting, and sometimes I need a break from the effort and structure I impose on myself.

So there I was, sitting on the beach reflecting on why I was able to make half a dozen friends in a matter of hours by chatting with strangers on the beach, and it struck me that I should be more like the man I am when I'm on vacation. The "vacation me" makes small talk with strangers without expectations or an evaluation of whether that person is going to add value to my already complex life - we just chat, and if we enjoy chatting, we keep doing it. The "vacation me" deals with setbacks like flight delays and lost luggage and poor directions with grace and poise - we'll make it there, and we might have an adventure along the way. The "vacation me" is perfectly happy to wait for my friend to get ready, 20 minutes after he said we could leave, when I would normally be much less tolerant of that situation.

The thing is, none of these behaviors need to be any different at home either. The same setbacks have the same impact whether I'm on on the road or back in Madison, but too often I feel the need to control the situation, take care of things, and correct mistakes. What  I forget is that life moves so much more gracefully when every movement isn't being tightly controlled. Sure, some things need guardrails, and I do that both at home and on vacation, but the way I let things take their course while I'm on holiday is a much more graceful way of living.

Try it yourself. Think about how different you are when you're taking a break. Maybe you, too, could unleash a more friendly, peaceful you.

Let's talk about your big but

I challenge you to complete this sentence: "I'm not trying to say that your cooking is bland, but...." The catch is that you have to finish it in a way that the listener doesn't think you're telling them their food is bland. "I'm not trying to say your cooking is bland, but it needs a lot of salt" reads "your cooking is bland; it needs salt." "I'm not trying to say your food is bland, but food from my country uses more spices" reads "your cooking is bland; it needs more spices (and my country's food is better than yours)." "I'm not trying to say your cooking is bland; I'm just not very hungry" reads "why would he say it's not bland when he's not hungry unless he thinks it's bland?"

To quote Pee-Wee's Big Adventure, "Everyone I know has a big but. Let's talk about your big but." You can't state what you don't want someone to hear without them immediately hearing precisely that. Try thinking about anything besides pink fluffy unicorns dancing on rainbows. Try it. You can't. Especially if you just listened to that delightful little song.

This phrase comes in many flavors. "No offense but..." will always be followed by an offensive statement. Same with "Don't take this the wrong way, but...".

My point is that you don't get to control what someone doesn't think, and attempting to do will generally backfire. Your efforts come across as transparent and disingenuous (not to mention, offensive). Next time you're tempted to use this phrase or any of its derivations, realize the way it will be interpreted. Also question your true intentions. Maybe you ARE trying to say you friend's food is bland. And if that's the case, find a more tactful way to say it. Or better yet, don't say it at all.

Leadership Skills from Dog Training to Battlestar Galactica

I was once talking to my brother when he mentioned that after 3 years at his last job, he hadn't learned anything. I thought to myself "what a shame." I firmly believe there is something to be learned from every experience. You can't always know when that knowledge will become useful, but that's not to say there isn't value in those insights.

While I don't share this readily with people I manage, I must admit that I learned a good deal about personnel management by taking my dog to obedience training. Not to oversimplify things, but there are some key transferable lessons. When you're teaching a dog, the most effective way to reinforce their behavior is to give rewards (often food) when they do what you want them to do. He comes when you call, he gets a treat. He sits when you ask, he gets a treat. The doorbell rings and he doesn't bark, he gets a treat. People aren't so different, though their rewards come in different forms. Deep down, we all want to feel valued and appreciated. When you see a team member doing what you want, praise them (promptly, and in specific terms). You see a team member take initiative without being told to, tell them how important that is, and that their initiative will set them on a path to excel. You see them send a particularly elegant email, tell them how this is an example of their strong writing skills. Most people feel they don't receive enough feedback, and managers know how difficult it can be to give enough balanced feed (poor performance is so much easier to spot) but as the old saying goes: "you catch more flies with honey." Your team members undoubtedly do things well most of the time, so strive to catch them doing good work and make sure they know why it's good.

I'm just gonna say it. I love Battlestar Galactica. I'm also going to confess that I learned many of my leadership skills by watching it. I began the series soon after becoming a manager, and one of the elements I find most interesting is the way President Roslin and Commander Adama interact between each other to make decisions, and then how they take those decisions to their respective groups they lead. Adama is the classic authoritarian leader - he thinks, decides, and then tells his military subordinates what to do. He makes hard decisions. "Sometimes you have to roll the hard six." He expects everyone to obey, and his leadership unravels when insubordination occurs. In contrast, Roslin is a charismatic consensus-building leader. She lacks the background of a true president and must lead the people by communicating the logic and necessity of the decisions being made - she must build that trust instead of assuming obedience by those she leads. She can't just tell someone what to do, they have to want to do it for her. I encourage you to rewatch the show (do you like how I assume my entire audience has watched BSG?) and look at it in terms of the social interactions at play.

Once you're in the habit of finding leadership examples in puppy class and the sci-fi channel, it becomes much easier to identify the more obvious role models. I have worked with my share of inspirational leaders, and each time I encounter one, I try to study them and ask myself what is so special about them that makes them so effective. Perhaps they're brilliant, but more often (always, actually), it's the things they do, the way they speak, and the times they choose to fight a battle or to stay quiet that really makes those people stand apart. Next time you see a stand-out leader, ask yourself why. These aren't tightly held secrets; their methods are there for everyone to see, if only you're trained to look for it.

Half-baked ideas

It's easy to look at someone's achievements - a published book, a killer website, an institutionalized process adopted by a company, and assume they're simply brilliant people. Perhaps they are, but don't assume that any idea they produce started as anything more than a half-baked idea. The outcomes are a journey and often barely resemble the initial thought.

Would you like to see your ideas become something greater? Think of it this way: every journey begins with a single step. It doesn't even have to start in precisely the right direction. If you have an insight, take that first step. Write it down and acknowledge that it's something more than just a fleeting thought - it's something worth saving and coming back to. Great ideas often start out with just a feeling - an intuition that something needs more investigation. Malcolm Gladwell's Blink explores this concept with a simple illustration: art experts can often identify hoaxes on first sight, even if they struggle to identify precisely what is wrong with the copies after closer inspection. It's a feeling they get that tells them something is wrong. Similarly, your insights are more likely to appear in the form of a "hmmm" rather than an "a-ha!" moment.

And where to go from there? I keep a running list of "good" ideas. "Good" is in quotes for valid reasons. I don't know if they're truly worth anything yet. I review my "good" ideas every now and then to decide if any of them are worth more investment. Do they stand the test of time, or was it just a fleeting blip? For ideas that I think might be onto something, I work out how I could take action. They're still just simple ideas, but I can give them more thought and explore their credence. My approach to these is often to discuss them with someone that can help me take my idea, validate that it's indeed a problem worth exploring, and discuss how to turn it into something tangible. My bosses know to expect me to produce lots of half-baked ideas that we can work through together. When I first started working with my current boss, he was surprised and confused when I offered proposals that weren't fully fleshed out. I gave him two options: either I would only approach him with great ideas and present them with confidence and a plan of action, which would limit my proposals to only things I had independently decided on, evaluated, and developed a solid plan for. Or I could bring him my wealth of ideas, including half-baked ones that may not pan out, and we could have a free-flowing conversation around what would be most useful for the team and the company. We took option two, and I've never looked back. I've found that I often come back to ideas that are initially discounted and discover there was some validity to them after all (thankfully I wrote it down). Perhaps they just needed more time to develop. Or perhaps they were insights that were ahead of their time, and both me and my boss needed to wait to see their true value.

So take that first step and begin writing down any ideas you think are good, regardless of whether you think they'll stand the test of time and the scrutiny of others. Find a confidante or a peer or even a boss and begin exploring how your insights can enact change. Be bold in proposing ideas and humble in accepting feedback. Most of all - make a difference by thinking about ways to improve the world around you and by speaking up to make the change you want to see.